Do You Realize?

This is an excerpt from Terrence Kemp McKenna speech:

"We have to stop consuming our culture.

We have to create culture.

Don't watch TV, don't read magazines, don't even listen to NPR (National Public Radio).

Create your own roadshow.

The nexus of space and time, where you are now, is the most immediate sector of your universe. 

And if you're

worrying about Michael Jackson or Bill Clinton or somebody else, you are disempowered.

You are giving it all away to icons. Icons which are maintained by an electronic media, so that you want to dress like X or have lips like Y. This is shit-brained, this kind of

thinking. 

That is all cultural diversion.

And what is real is you and your friends, your associations, your highs, your orgasms, your hopes, your plans, and your fears.

And we are told no. We're unimportant, we're peripheral, get a degree, get a job, get a this, get a

that, and then you're a player.

You don't even want to play in that game.

You want to reclaim your mind and get it out of the hands of the cultural engineers who want to turn you into

 a half-baked moron 

consuming all this trash that's being manufactured out of the bones

of a dying world. Where is that at?".

How I Met The Apple pt.2

So I actually released training tees under the name of my own so-called club. And there were like 3 pieces unsold. Fortunately the apple agreed to buy one. So I reserved the xs for her. This occurrence was during my practical times.

At my workplace, a senior staff invited me to her sister's wedding ceremony on sunday. I don't know whom should I go with as most of the guys were busy during the weekend. So I asked her if she'd want to. She could as well pick her training tee from me. To my surprise again, she accepted the invitation. This time, we're travelling by public transportations.

We went to the feast. There I looked for the inviter and surprisingly she didn't recognize me...... But we ate a lot! And left afterwards.

We waited for quite a moment at the bus stop as they said the place are frequented by taxis. Tired of waiting, we walked half a mile to another place where we finally stopped a taxi.

We went back by the LRT. Because it was too early, she said that it'd be nice if we could go for a walk to jalan TAR. I agreed. So we went there, walked through the ocean of people and finally made it to sogo. We watched buskers sing and painters paint in front of the building. Because it was too crammed and our legs were getting tired we decided to get in and find someplace to eat.

She ate and we drank watermelon juice. After that we went to the prayer room at the basement and prayed. We left the place and got on the LRT. I said goodbye when the train reached cheras. She continues with her journey back to her college.

That was what I remembered the 2nd time I met her.

Caffeine...

It's been 2 and a half hours.
I can't sleep.
I've closed my eyes.
I've tried every methods.
I actually am very tired after today's workout.

But i can't sleep.
This manmade poison. It's torturing me.
Slowly but surely.
Well I really need this rest,buddy.
Don't fuck around.
Fuck that. You've been fucking around with me since the moment I lie on this bed.

Yeah sure you're a booster for the brains.
A stick sticking eyes open in the morning.
You might reduce the risk of getting Alzheimer.
You might reduce the risk of getting Parkinson.

But you're a devil.
A devil lurking during nighttime.
Oh I forgot I was the one who summoned you! At 11.45pm.
But it was just for the moment. That was like 6 hours ago.
You should be heading home somewhere around 3.
But here you are, bothering me.

Go back to your hole little demon.
Find your peace.
I need mine.

It was a terrible idea drinking you, Mr. Coffee late at night.
You'll fuck around.

I should get some rest.
Well if I could!

How I Met the Apple

Well, i think this part is going to be very brief. How did I met her? We were chatting through twitter and I asked her if she would like to watch free movies. I used to work at a cinema and those guys employed there were my companions. LOL companions. The funny part is, I've quit working there a long time ago. Nearly 2 years.

I asked her if she want to, and to my surprise she accepted my invitation. It was quite surprising because I only knew her like.....15days? Something like that. So she came to my college to pick me. She drove all the way from her college and even got lost finding the way to my college. That part was hilarious. I can't stop picking on her about that because people find it easy to get to my place. But that's okay, maybe she was confused by the GPS.

As she arrived, I hopped into her car and there you go, our first live conversation ever. I remembered that day, I've bought a pack of biscuits and a bottle of drinks because I haven't had my breakfast yet. While munching, I offered her a piece of it. She didn't take any. So we moved to the place we've planned for. Upon arriving, we hurried to the cinema to check the showtime. We chose the one I forgot what the time was but it was about 45-60 minutes later so we decided to go around and check that place out.

The place was quite boring. It was a heaven for married couples, families, for those holding up homes. And obviously we don't.

Later, something caught her eyes. 100 Years before the birth of Doraemon exhibition.We went inside. She looked very excited. I can see it through her face. Very obvious. Before we leave the exhibition, she picked a tshirt and dragged it to the counter. It was RM59.99. She opened her satchel and looked shocked. She left her purse in the car. Luckily I have exactly RM60 in my pocket. We left and reached for the purse down at the basement parking. Thank god it was there in the car.

After that we went to the grocery shop on the ground floor to buy some snacks for our movie. We rushed to the cinema when it was about 20minutes more before the show started. We entered the hall exactly after the sign light for the hall was turned on. During the movie, she opened her packed-up popcorns, cheese flavoured, and she didn't like it. I was the one finishing it off. It wasn't that bad. I offered her some of my snacks and she refused too.

Need For Speed was a good movie. At least it didn't bore us. Later on, we went to Subway to have our lunch. I had chicken teriyaki and she had steak and cheese (if I'm not mistaken) and soon she complained about the chewy and hard shredded meat. That's why I don't eat beef.

Later she told me, "I need to shit" and I was like.......Wow. Does that mean she's comfortable hanging out with me? Because most girls will cover up. Even friends I've known for 4-5 years. And her? Not even a month yet. That thrilled me, I'm glad with that,honestly. It makes me feel trusted. LOL trusted. Comfortable maybe? Maybe.

She drove me to my college and we exchanged goodbyes and that was the day I first met the Apple. A good friend of mine.

La Manzana

I'm writing this upon a friend. She's something. Something in a good way.

She's a friend's ex.

It doesn't matter. I'm not wooing her anyway. Just being a friend.

She's taller than me. Slightly taller. Maybe just a few centimeters extra. Her body is quite slim. The type which can eat all they want without gaining weight- every girl's dream body. She's a year younger than me. She's cute, I might say.

She talks a lot,normally. And I like that. Because I'm a boring dude, I don't really talk. She always keep the conversation going. Always got something to say.

I like her laugh. It's different from other girls. She's quite independent too.

She greets me almost every morning. She calls me si kacak at times. Girls don't normally do that. And I like that.

I like her a lot. One of my best companion so far. My outing partner. That's more suitable.

She's my friend. A good friend.

Come on, think of something!

This thing happens every time I want to write here.

My mind will suddenly be shrouded in mists of confusion, I might say, and starts to think about all the things I dreaded.

I mean, I wanna write something readable here, something that everyone could enjoy but my dubious mind keeps me writing some melancholic things and absurdities.

Look, it ain't easy trying to be a writer. Well that's exactly what I'm trying to do.

I'm trying to try being a writer.

And I find it hard to do. I'm focusless. Maybe that's the right way to put it.

Well, maybe sometime we should just take a break and plan.

Oh fuck! That's it! Writers plan!

That's my problem. I don't plan what I wanna write. That's how things turn shitty. That's how my writings turn stupid. And absurd. Well that's the correct way to put it.

Plan your writings. Plan what you wanna do. Some random wise guy once said that

"If you fail to plan, you're planning to fail"

Yeah I guess that's true.

Help

I'm drowning

I'm confused

I can't make up my mind.

I know it's not fair for her. She loves me all her heart and here I am, having feelings for others. The thing is, I didn't ask for it.

My pal and I, we've been together like this since 3 years back. It's even before I know my partner.

My partner and I, we met 15months ago.

I know that I love her. We know we love each other. But we also know that we'll be stuck in this situation forever. We know we can't make it. I have my own commitments. So does her. It's just that, I love her.

No matter how fucked up things are, I will never leave the ones who loves me wholeheartedly. I hope that's fair enough.

Am I?

#dying

1

Darkness Darkness all around Excruciating pain Is all I can feel I'm too tired Let me go I won't try to fight anymore I will Be gone #dying

2

Stuck in a vacuum Blinding darkness,deafening silence Why am I here? Elise,where am I? Impact. Yes,impact. It was. Right.I'm dead. #dying

3

i love life i love living i love living with you yes, grow old with you dreams came true on this bed now i'm too weak i'll leave soon #dying

(A,2014)

Know Your Rights

This is a public service announcement!
Know your rights
All three of them

Number 1,
You have the right not to be killed.
Murder is a CRIME!
Unless it was done by a policeman or an aristocrat.

Number 2,
You have the right to food money.
Providing of course, you don't mind a little investigation, humiliation.
And if you cross your fingers, rehabilitation.

Know your rights
These are your rights
Know these rights

Number 3,
You have the right to free speech
As long as you're not dumb enough to actually try it.

Know your rights
These are your rights
All three of them

It has been suggested in some quarters that this is not enough!

Get off the streets
Run

Finally then I will read you your rights

You have the right to remain silent.
You are warned that anything you say can and will be taken down, and used as evidence against you.

Listen to this:

RUN

(Adapted from The Clash's "Know Your Rights")

Problem

The problem in this world is that
People don't understand each other.

That creates barriers.
Separators.
Holding us back on our stance,
Stagnant, not moving,
Not even dare to peek,
What others have behind their barriers.

I could say that this stupidity, kills.
Curiosity builds.

Look what the world did to us?
It taught us to kill curiosity.
We're dying.

(A,2014)

True

At one point in life, you'll have to be true to yourself. Why? Haven't you been truthful to yourself from the very beginning? No, you didn't. Now don't ask me why I'm 100% confidently stating this. We are all human. We live in societies. We live with others.

Tell me what phone are you using? What shoes are you wearing? Shirts? Pants? Watches? Are they comfortable? No? Are they expensive? Yes? Are they from well known, popular brands? Yes? See. You've lied to yourself. And what's with those makeups? Isn't your face beautiful enough till you have to cover it beneath those powders and colours? No! See, you don't even know that you've been lying to yourself! About the brands you're so loyal to, some of the products just suck, yet you defend them. You lied to yourself.

I've told you earlier, we live in societies. We live with others. Here is where everything starts. You want to live up to OTHERS' expectations!

Yes! This is the ultimate truth! Some things that you wear, that you own, you brought them because you really like them. Maybe because they're beautiful, the colours appealed to you most, and they're comfortable or ergonomic. They might be cheap, you might have never heard of their brands but you bought them because they fill your needs. This is where you're being truthful to yourself, when you're embarrassed to tell others about the price and names, this is where you're living in your lie. Is being true to ourselves is so shameful that we need to hide? Lying to yourself in order to be proud among others is like covering yourself in mud amidst the crowd and telling others how good it is the feeling of that particular act.

Imagine yourself so dirty, ironically you feel good about it (while inside you're dying to bathe).

So stop. Step out of it. That disgusting masks you're wearing. Show your true self. Be true to yourself, be true to others. If others hate you, find out what's wrong. Don't change yourself, improve.

Change me

We need to make more changes.
Try to see life through others' perspectives, their opinions about things.
Get out of the normal zone, be an alien sometimes. It's okay.

At the end of the day, you will tell yourself, "it's not so bad..."

And bring something new inside others' life.

Then climb back inside the normal zone. Change ordinary things to extraordinary or more than that.

Use the imagination and project vivid visions to cure the ill minded; full of corruptions.

Nobody ask you to be God, but follow the path of God; optimism and surprisingly life will turn out to be nothing you've ever thought.

Positivity.

Self: how to interact with other human beings.

As a human being, I myself was born into this world with feelings. This is our speciality, we can feel. Talking about your feelings, how do we relate it with our interaction with others? Some people are so unlucky they were born as bloody psychopaths who can't feel and judge things normally but we normal people do! So why on earth are there mindless, rude assholes who only think of themselves?

I've been facing this kind of animal, such hostility, all my life. Can't they think about others' feelings? What if I hurt you, garbage? What if I slit your pet's throat? What if I steal your things and leave you dumbfounded when you're in need of them?

I could do that. I could always do.

But I didn't! And why the fuck is that? Because this motherfucker here has empathy and sympathy and he knows what it feels like to be in such conditions. Are you waiting for something terrible to happen to you? You wanna see me set your house on fire?

I ain't no arsonist but you could try tempting me to do that. If you want.

Have you ever thought of what others would face as a result of your actions? When people buy things, with their own money, for their personal use, where they've been spending hours in the grocery counting and budgeting and then you took them (stuffs) like the world owed you tonnes. What kind of selfish fucks are you?

I am writing this to show my concerns about what happens in the society. There will always be a scumbag taking advantage on others. Our job is to give that motherfucker a lesson.

But we can't.

Why?
Because we have empathy! And we'd feel bad hurting others! That is why, I am stuck here today writing this stupid shit, hoping that ironman would save the world.

Now don't tell me to get a life.

Give me back
Mine.

A letter to Ellise

Dear Ellise,

I feel so bad.
So bad about myself.
I can't do shit.
Everything got me at fault.

They don't understand.

Can you help me, Ellise?
Take me somewhere nice?
I know you can't.
It's okay.

But maybe in a moment, you can,
Take, my heart, somewhere nice.
Shower it with the element, we lack,
And maybe I will
Be fine
Then.

Bye, Ellise .

(A,2014)

Shelter

In his evening jacket, a man crouches
In the middle of the street,
While the rain pours.

Nobody knows why.

People pass by, holding umbrellas
They saw the man,
While the rain pours.

They all wonder why.

As the rain stops, a banged dog, uncovered beneath his jacket.
The right limb's broken, but it's alive.

He stood up, carries it to the sidewalk, and walked away.

Nobody knows the man
Neither they know the dog
Nobody knows why
But that evening, everybody saw

A human.

(A,2014)

On the Edge

I lie on my bed, and sleep.

Then I wake up, go to school and go home.

I messed up, pretty bad, nobody knows, but it’s there.

This thing is too tight. I need to loosen it a little bit.

Soon I will be gone.

Soon enough I’ll be flying.

So let this closure be,

The best it could ever be,

The best thing ever happened to me.

So I hopped on the book stacks,

Remembering friends from college,

Remembering Ellise,

Reminiscing memories,

Replaying flashbacks, there is no turning back.

But this thing is too tight. I stepped down.

And down.

And sat down. The shirt is all wet.

I lie on my bed, and sleep.

I wake up, go to school and go home.

I messed up, pretty bad, nobody knows, but it’s there. 

In Me.

(A, 2014)

in class, before.

I'm stuck. This moment, it just stops. I'm lost.

I'm sitting in the second row in the middle section of the seats division in this auditorium.
Auditorium. Most of the times we call it Audi. Sounds grand. So grand but pathetic.

This is a college, a university but the facility sucks.

The lecturer in her black and blue robe is giving a lecture in front of us. The capacity in here from my rough mental counting is approximately 200 people. The lecturers are seated at the front seats and some of them at the very back. Having coffees and chitchatting wit their colleagues. I know. I was there before the lecturer  asked the 10 of us to to move to the front rows.

I'm writing this, because I don't like this part of the lecture. Poems. I love poems. I just don't like people talking about it and explaining the meanings. I hate that. Let me myself interpret it in my mind. Sometimes what they understood from the poems is not even half as correct as what it should be. Or what they really are.

Wordplay. Geniuses' game.

It's 3.38pm. Another 52minutes to go before we can finally leave this place. I don't understand why are we having this talk about KSSR right now. We should've had this 2 years ago. I'm dying to go home. I know There's nothing fun at home except my laptop but still it is better than this.

Now it's my favourite lecturer talking. I mean, it's her turn. The lecture this evening is divided into four sections and she's taking the last section. She's not really my favourite but I like her a lot. She's strict yet lenient at the same time.

I don't know why am I writing this now. Maybe I'm just bored. I somehow find that writing is quite fun even though I'm doing it in a very informal and ridiculous wasy. I've always had the urge to write but my mind isn't sharp enough to concentrate on one thing at a time. That is why you're reading this part now, which is totally different from the top paragraph. My mind is engaging. The ideas are coming and I don't know where I should stop. Ironically, my hand suddenly stops.....